I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
