i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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