I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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