I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize