i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
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He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
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Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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