One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
