So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He? As in you personified your dick?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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