WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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