her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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