Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
