Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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