Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
