"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
