I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
