He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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