My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
