I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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