I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
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Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
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A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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