I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
