Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
