We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
