Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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