two words: eviction party
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
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If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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