i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
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i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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