I faked an abortion last night.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
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Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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