Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
