I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
