He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
