My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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