Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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