Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
