apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
