You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
