What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
