Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dating After Heartbreak
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.