Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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