I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
