DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
