I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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