I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
