My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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