Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
