so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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