Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
