Betty ford says i'm here all night
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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