She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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