I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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