Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
