Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
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My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
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Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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