There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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